For All Those Who Long for Peace of Mind and to Know Their Own Power.

     Who is this week's post for? For all those who see themselves as a total failure if their performance falls short of perfection. For all those who dare to chance a look at their lives, and when they do, they see gloom and hopelessness. For those who are convinced the the tasks ahead of them are more than they can stand, greater than they can handle. It is for those who find themselves feeling empty and forlorn without the approval of others.  For those who feel broken because their mind won't stop racing as they lie awake in bed longing for the escape that is only found in sleep. For those who often find themselves angry or frustrated because they insist that things must be the way they want them to be! They use words like "should, must, ought to, and has to be!" It is for those who breathlessly wait for someone, anyone, to tell them that they are good enough! That they are worthy. That they have value. That they are loved. It is for those who instead hear that they are worthless. That they have no value. That they would be loved "only if..."  For those who constantly put out feelers designed to detect the least little hint of what they expect to find, and what they expect to find is disapproval, judgement, failure, and loss. For all those who long to be free of the yoke of others' perception. For those who look out at this world and all it's inhabitants and find nothing but fault, because that is what they see when they gaze into a mirror.  It is for those who cannot experience the sense of security and oneness that comes with trust for fear that the world will punish them for their openness. This week's post is for those who close their eyes to the perceived darkness they believe is in the world around them, only to look within and see pain. And this post is for all those who work every day to trust, to love, to share, to be open, and to experience joy, only to "have it ripped from them" by the callousness or uncouth betrayal of another.  This week's post is for all of us. 

Last week I told you guys that I would help us start to talk to ourselves differently and thus change the way we experience our world. Here's a bit of that promise from last week:

     

      "I've mentioned in previous posts that changing the way that we think (our self-talk) can have a  profound impact on our lives. Whether it's anger-producing irrational beliefs, negative thoughts that lower frustration tolerance, anxiety-producing irrational beliefs, confidence crushing negative self-statements, thinking errors that interfere with relationships, irrational beliefs associated with high work stress, or distorted thinking about our socializing, learning to recognize when our thinking is contributing to our life challenges can change our entire experience! So, next week, I'm going to share with you some wisdom left behind by the inimitable Dr. Albert Ellis about learning to recognize thinking that is unhelpful, distorted or irrational. Then, we will go about tackling those problematic thoughts and replacing them with ones that are anxiety-reducing, confidence-building, and productively self-affirming!"

So, let's start out by identifying how we usually respond to anything that happens to us. Things that happen in our lives, things we respond to, are going to be called "activating events" (A) because these things "activate" our beliefs, values, and perspectives. An activating event might be meeting someone new, breaking up with a significant other, starting a new job, having an argument with a sibling, going out on a date or being cut off in traffic by another driver. Anything in our lives can be an activating event. When these events occur we talk to ourselves in ways that are consistent with our "beliefs" (B).  If we like the event we say to ourselves, "Hey! I like that event! That event ROCKS!" And then we experience the emotional "consequence" (C) of happiness and/or pleasure. We also experience a behavioral consequence. This is what we do as a result of experiencing the activating event. We liked it and said really good things to ourselves about it so we do things to ensure that this event happens again!  Now if we experience an activating event that we do not like, we say to ourselves, "Crap! I hate that event! That event SUCKS! And we experience the emotional consequence of anger, frustration, or depression. And the behavioral consequence of withdrawal, isolation, aggression, etc. 

Alrighty then.  Here it is in a nutshell: We experience something, it activates our beliefs and we "talk to ourselves" about the event. If we liked the event, we say really great stuff to ourselves.  However, if we didn't like the event, we say really crappy stuff to ourselves. As a result, we experience emotional consequences that can be good, bad, or neutral. (Happiness, anger, indifference). Finally, we experience a behavioral consequence that is consistent with how we talked to ourselves about the activating event! 

EXAMPLE: 

A-- Significant other breaks up with you

B-- "I suck! I'm really worthless and no one will ever love me!" or "How dare (s)he break up with me!      What a f#€¥!^£ b!#€#!!

C-- (emotional) Depression or Anger/aggression 

C-- (behavioral) Withdraw from the world/stay in bed. or Send inappropriate emails to your ex's boss from your ex's email account!

So there is an example of how we talk ourselves into our emotional and behavioral responses! I want you all to feel free to ask me questions about this understanding of our emotional and behavioral responses. Really, the only way that to can get your questions answered is to ask them!  So I want you to ask your questions!  Now, before I sign off for the night, I'm going to give you one example of thinking that is unhelpful, distorted, or irrational. Thanks and props go out to the Ellis Institute for these! Each week I'll talk about at least one of these irrational ways of thinking and how they effect us! Remember to tell me in the comments section if any if these sound like you!

Thinking that is VERY CATASTROPHIC -- You greatly exaggerate bad events until, in your thinking, they are full blown catastrophes! You use words like "awful, horrible, terrible, tragic, and end of the world!"

Remember: ***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉