Cul-de-sacs, Fire-pits, and Libations.

     This weekend my wife and I decided that, instead of going on our weekly date on saturday night, we would switch it to sunday evening so that we could join our neighbors "at the end of the cul-de-sac" on saturday for a bit of fun, neighborly interaction, and...libations.  These gatherings occur often on our street and never cease to entertain!  It may come as no surprise that the subject of the Saz Says blog came up. Unfortunately, or perhaps as a matter of course, this happened at a point in the evening when the gathering of neighbors at the end of the cul-de-sac had progressed to "party at the end of the block" status, due to the free-flowing libations! Someone mentioned that she had read my blog and thought it was "very interesting." Upon hearing this, another neighbor asked what the blog is about. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

Saz: "So far, it's about how people are so convinced that other people and events upset them when, in fact, they make themselves feel upset in the way they respond to those people and events! 

(I was pretty proud of myself for articulating that so clearly despite being mostly distracted by some really cool flashy-things that the fire pit was doing as we talked--told you...the libations were free-flowing)  Then, as I basked in the combined glows of my ability to articulate the nature of my blog so concisely and the very interesting fire pit, I hear my neighbor say, 

Neighbor: "Well that's a load of bulls#!+."

Note that I did not use an exclamation point, because he didn't say it with any particular emphasis, on the contrary, he said it very matter-of-factly.  You know, like "The hotdogs are done." Or "The fire pit is lit." (Which, by the way, is how I'd have described most of us by that point...) I was a little taken aback by this. Not because he believed it, I know that belief is all too prevalent, but because of the nonchalance with which he stated it! So I replied, 

Saz: "No. Really. You have more power over your emotional experience than you give yourself credit for." 

Neighbor: "Yeah, if we all lived in your "perfect little world" (Here he actually did air-quotes) maybe that s#!+ would be true.  But we all have to live in "reality"! (You guessed it, more air-quotes)

Saz: "Oh. So your reality (I left out the air-quotes) is that everything outside of yourself has more control over your emotional experience than you do?"

Neighbor: "Yeah! I don't piss myself off!"

Saz: "What pisses you off?"

Neighbor: "A lot of s#!+!"

Saz: "Your boss?"

Neighbor: "Yes!"

Saz: "Your kids?"

Neighbor: "Yes!"

Saz: "The guy who cuts you off on the highway?"

Neighbor: "Oh yes!"

Saz: "And every one of them has more control over your emotional reactions than you do?"

Neighbor: "Yes! No. Wait.  If I punched you in the face you'd get pissed off!"

Saz: "Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure that I wouldn't get scared? Or confused? Or afraid?"

Neighbor: "Yes!"

Saz: "How do you know?" (Of course I know what's coming next)

Neighbor: "Because it would piss me off!"

Saz: "How's about we grab another drink and we'll talk about this some more?"

Neighbor: "Yes!"

My neighbor, like most of us, is absolutely convinced that everything outside of himself has all this power over his emotions. Almost like the idea that he can change the way he responds to events in his world is a threatening idea! Even more threatening than all the emotional upset and psychological distress that he endures as a result of his misguided belief that others control his emotions!  Imagine if I asked you if you believed that other people can control your thoughts. You'd reply with a resounding NO!  And you'd be thinking to yourself that a person would have to be crazy to think that other people can control your thoughts.  But if I asked you if other people can control your emotions, how would you reply?

I've mentioned in previous posts that changing the way that we think (our self-talk) can have a profound impact on our lives. Whether it's anger-producing irrational beliefs, negative thoughts that lower frustration tolerance, anxiety-producing irrational beliefs, confidence crushing negative self-statements, thinking errors that interfere with relationships, irrational beliefs associated with high work stress, or distorted thinking about our socializing, learning to recognize when our thinking is contributing to our life challenges can change our entire experience!

So, next week, I'm going to share with you some wisdom left behind by the inimitable Dr. Albert Ellis about learning to recognize thinking that is unhelpful, distorted or irrational. Then, we will go about tackling those problematic thoughts and replacing them with ones that are anxiety-reducing, confidence-building, and productively self-affirming! 

***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉

Peace, 

Dr. Saz