Showing posts with label Selfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Selfulness. Show all posts

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Common Sense is Really Not All That Common At All!


     "Everybody knows that!" This is a statement that I heard my son make an one evening when we were sitting down for dinner. And the interesting thing about this is he was acting as though he was sort of annoyed that one of his brothers didn't know this thing that he thought that "everybody knows".  This is something that I find we do all too often. The thing that comes to mind when I consider this social phenomenon is the problem of common sense.  One way that common sense is defined is: 
  "Sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence."
and this conceptualization of common sense is evident throughout history and literature:
"Common sense is in spite of, not as the result of education." 
Victor Hugo 
"Common sense is the measure of the possible; it is composed of experience and prevision; it is calculation applied to life." 

 Henri Frederic Amiel 

 "I have great confidence in the common sense of mankind in general."

Thomas Jefferson 

"Common sense is genius stressed and its working clothes." 

 Ralph Waldo Emerson

But I believe George Seaton said it best when he said, "Faith is believing in something even when common sense tells you not to."  We are so used to thinking of common sense as though it where a universal answer! Yet when we think it through, we recognize that an overreliance on common sense leads us to fail to recognize the value of sense that is common to people outside our own experience. 
This is one of the ways that we mislead ourselves. We are so convinced that common sense is this thing that we should all share.  Yet, we fail to realize what commonsense is actually based upon. Common sense is only common in so far as it is consistent with the experiences that we have had. Our common sense does not extend beyond what we've been exposed to, beyond what we, ourselves, have experienced.  Therefore, common sense is not so common at all! Consider this, if I've spent my entire childhood traveling all over the world with my family, to me, common sense would suggest that many people speak different languages and have different cultures. If, on the other hand, I've spent my entire life in, say, a small town in rural America, common sense might tell me that everyone speaks the language that I speak and knows the creeks and trails that I walked throughout my childhood. Why might I think that? Because that is my experience! That is all I know! And if I talk to my neighbor, or the kid I rode to school with, or that really nice lady at church, they would all know the same things. Therefore, it might seem like "common sense", but in reality, it is not necessarily common at all.  We convince ourselves that, because we live and breathe these things every day, that it is an absolute truth! But truth goes far beyond our limited experience. And like my son at the dinner table, we have an expectation that people share our common sense, and when they do not, they are somehow less-than

That being said, let's identify this as Thinking Error #8: Our common sense is not necessarily so common

You might wonder how I explained to my son he would do well to stop supposing that everyone shares sense that is common to him. I actually used the example that I read in a text book by David Myers. Dr. Myers suggested that you try this exercise. He said imagine that you could fold a sheet of paper in half 100 times.  And he asked how thick would it be. The average sheet of notebook paper is one .1 mm thick. What would common sense tell you? Would it tell you that you should multiply .1×100? Nope. That wouldn't do it. Remember, you are continuing to fold the product in half until you've done it 100 times! Common sense would go on to tell you that it is impossible to fold a sheet of paper in half 100 times. You see? Because is it something outside our experience, we have trouble even visualizing it! The answer? Somewhere in the neighborhood of 800,000,000,000,000 times the distance between the earth and the sun! Hey some that is almost unimaginable! Which means it is beyond our common sense. So, despite the fact that Dr. Phil McGraw would tell us that "common sense needs to be more common", I encourage us to move beyond common sense. This will allow us to be open to understanding that is outside our immediate experience, knowledge that goes beyond what we've been exposed to, and insight that will enrich our lives.

Peace,
Dr. Saz

***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉

Sunday, December 8, 2013

The Passing of an Icon and The Challenge to Love--Mr. Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela

“What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.”Nelson Mandela

This week we witnessed the passing of an incredible icon. Mr. Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela based his entire life on the principle of dialogue and the art of listening and speaking to others.  And he was convinced that if we all did this, we could have a profound impact on the world. He encouraged people to enter into dialogue – often about difficult subjects – in order to address the challenges we face today.  I've been moved by the sentiments shared by so many at his passing. I'm struck by the fact that, as I look back on his life, his many trials and tribulations, I feel challenged to act. To do something designed to make this great world better.  Former Secretary of State, Gen. Colin Powell, talked about what it would be like if our politicians attempted to carry out there duties with the level of love and compassion that Mr. Mandela eventually showed. I loved this quote from BBC News:

Mr Powell said that Mr Mandela was a guide to him when he became the first black US secretary of state:

What I liked telling people was I was the first secretary of state who happened to be black, and I put that descriptor behind the title. We have to get beyond these labels depending upon your gender or your colour or your background. I'm proud of being black, and I'm proud of being an immigrant of British subjects, but at the same time I want to be seen as an American. And I think Nelson Mandela was able to create that kind of an image within South Africa. We are not black South Africans or white South Africans, we are South Africans who happen to be black or white. We are one family, one nation, one people.

I really think that says it all!

I'll finish this post by sharing with you the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by India Arie:


Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!

[Verse 1:]
I wish there was a video game
to teach you your ancestors name
I wish there was a phone number

like 1-800-Save-Your-Brother
I'm thankful for the radio station
Not afraid to put the truth in rotation

there is certain information
That you can only get in conversation when...

[Chorus:]
Young People, who talk to
Old People, it would make us
Better People, all around...
(Yes it would)

And if Old People would talk to
Young People, it would make us
Better People, all around....
(Yes it would)

[Verse 2:]
We went from radio to TV
Now we're going from LP to CD
Don't be afraid To try something new

I can help you with the brand new technology
Help me with the age old philosophy
Together there's so much we can do when

[Chorus:]
Young People, who talk to
Old People, it would make us
Better People, all around...

And if Old People would talk to
Young People, it would make us
Better People, all around....

They say that every
Generation gets worse
They call it a generational curse

These problems don't just drop out the sky (yeah)
Listen to Mahatma Ghandi's words
Be the change you want to see in the world
Start with yourself and healing will multiply
AAAAAAH, that's what happens When..

[Chorus:]
Young People, who talk to
Old People, it would make us
Better People, all around...

If Old People would talk to
Young People, it would.....
Better People, all around....

If black people
Would talk to white people
It would make us
Better People
All Around....

If Republican people would
Talk to Democratic people
It would make us diplomatic people
[laugh] All Around.....

Writer: SIMPSON, INDIA ARIE/SANDERS, SHANNON B., SR./RAMSEY, MAXWELL ANDREW/MACEK, FRANK/ENGLISH, JIMMY
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, WINDSWEPT HOLDINGS LLC

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Fun With Relationships! A Rational Guide to Screwin' 'Em Up!


Hey, All!
     I was having a conversation with a friend of mine a couple of days ago and he was lamenting the challenges he's having in his current relationship. And by now, you guys know me. I'm sensitive. I'm supportive. I'm compassionate.  And I'm totally impatient with the idea that other people are responsible for making us feel we feel! Now I know that relationships can be incredibly hard. And I recognize and appreciate that the desire to have a partner with whom to share our lives is very human. In fact, I believe that it makes us better people overall! When done correctly, and it's working well, it drives us toward our capacity to be our best selves! And that's great for the whole world! Of course, the vast majority of us have also had relationship challenges. And there are effective ways of managing ourselves during these challenging times and less effective ways…

     Okay back to the friend I was telling you about. He actually said to me, "Dude I seriously hope that I can get back together with her! She is awesome! I mean, you know… I'm not all that great. Whenever I'm around her, she makes me feel like I'm not that smart or not very interesting. I mean I look okay, but...she's AWESOME!"  In an attempt to be supportive all I said was, "So you don't feel really good about yourself when you're around her?" And my friend replies, "Oh no! You can't apply your "rational" (air quotes here) stuff here! This is emotion stuff man! And we men have emotions too! I think I've gotta be more emotional with her. (Oh yeah, I think to myself, I'm sure that's exactly what she needs!). And then before I can even defend my "rational stuff", my friend says to me, "okay fine! Go on and do your "rational thing"! (More air quotes) Tell me how that would even fit in this real life situation. I was like, cool. Then I told him about some Emotional Blocks to Relationships.  I talked to him about some possible ways that he might be making himself upset or angry.

{EXAMPLE #1}
Thoughts (Internal self-statements):
I'm not very (smart) (interesting) (attractive)… Why would anyone be interested in me?

FEELINGS (which we experience as a result of the self statements)
putting ourselves down, depression

BEHAVIORS (how we act then)
Acting shy, avoiding contact, not initiating conversations, etc.

ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS
While I'm not perfect, I am certainly not worthless! And while I make mistakes, I recognize that I'm human and I am likely to make mistakes. But I can still value myself and desire to be valued by the person I'm in a relationship with!

{EXAMPLE #2}
Thoughts 
I need the approval of this significant person in my life or I'm no good at all!

FEELINGS 
putting ourselves down, depression

BEHAVIORS 
Acting dependent on the person for happiness, well-being, direction, etc.

ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS
Just because another person doesn't like something about me, or doesn't value something in me, does not mean that I am worthless!

And for the 3rd example I tackled his anxiety-producing self-statements!

{EXAMPLE #3}
Thoughts 
I just couldn't stand being rejected or thought badly of! Especially by that special person. Or "I couldn't stand being feeling uncomfortable"

FEELINGS 
Anxiety

BEHAVIORS
Being nonassertive or self-conscious. Withdrawal; failure to take risks, to become intimate with others.

ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS
I don't like being rejected, but I can handle it. It's not awful and it's not horrible! It's only uncomfortable, and it won't kill me!

Not don't get me wrong. It's possible that he really could be in a bad relationship. If you really do find yourself feeling like crap all the time when you're around your partner, maybe this relationship really is eating away at you…

If that's the case, it's time to get out!

Of course I could go on, but you guys get the picture  So go out there and do your relationships up right! Remember that the way that we talk to ourselves can not only impact our own experiences, but also impacts our relationships! So...

I almost said "Good luck", but a really bright friend of mine (thanks, Marie!) pointed out something really interesting to me the other day. She said that luck isn't something that you have any control over at all and thus, you can't take any responsibility for what happens. Instead she prefers "Good success!" That encourages us to go out and do something and do it well. I like that!

Peace,
Dr. Saz

***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉

Sunday, November 17, 2013

It's not How Big Your Holiday Is...It's How You Use It!

Hello, All!

   It's that time of year again! Wait, actually it's not quite here yet.  Despite the fact that all the department stores are playing Christmas music and hawking Christmas wares. Regardless of the homes in the suburban sprawl already kicking off the Christmas lights competitions,


 and the not-so-cute little doggy and kitty sweaters flying of the shelves...

it's not here yet! I mean, come on! Advent doesn't start until December 1st and Hanukkah is still over two weeks off! (It doesn't start until November 27th!).  So you would think that all of this early preparation indicates a huge level of enthusiasm. NOT necessarily.  The "holidays" seem to be beginning earlier and earlier. I'm certain the stores love this, but for many, the onset of the holidays can be a harbinger of stressful times! 

    I figure now would be a great time for us to head off potential holiday stress. For many people, the holidays are a fun, exciting, and happy time. A time filled with joyous gatherings with family and friends, parties, and all manor of celebrations. But for others, it is a time of sadness, stress, disappointment, over eating, and hangovers. One of the reasons this happens is because we often enter the holidays with very unrealistic expectations of the way the holidays will be. This brings us to:

Thinking error #7: Super Idealistic! You hold romanticized pictures of reality. You have beautiful but unrealistic expectations for yourself, for parents, for marriage, children, love, a profession, your workplace. Naturally, nothing in the real world measures up to this kind of thinking!

     As we begin this discussion, it's important to point out that some people who experience depression, anxiety, and excessive feelings of loneliness and isolation during the holidays may actually be suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Symptoms of this disorder typically coincide with the decreased number of daylight hours during the winter months. If this is the case, I always encourage you to talk with a professional about it! (In person!) In the meantime, making a point to increase your exposure to bright fluorescent light often helps more than you might imagine.

     But all the pressure that we put on ourselves during the holidays can bring about a significant amount of stress! We expect ourselves to function at an incredibly high level, usually on less sleep, while decorating for the holidays, attending parties, planning meals and celebrations with families, friends, and coworkers, and shopping, shopping, shopping!  During all of this, we expect our parents to be supportive, our spouse to be understanding and nurturing, our children to behave perfectly and appreciatively (ha!), and our coworkers to be accommodating! The only problem is, they're all dealing with the same holiday stressors that we are!  

     So what do we do?  With the help of the excellently awesome Albert Ellis Institute, I give you these 10 great "Happiness-Producing Rational Beliefs!"

                                        "Happiness-Producing Rational Beliefs!"

1. Don't blame others for not making you happy! Take responsibility for making yourself happy this holiday season! And do things that you think others will be happy about, because it's always more fun to be around people when they are happy!

2. Give yourself permission to make yourself happy… Even if when you do so, others make themselves unhappy!

3. Make time for yourself to do things which bring you pleasure and enjoyment in the short-term.

4. Do some things for others and your community without expecting anything back in return. Remember, it feels good to do good! And you deserve to feel good this holiday season!

5. Sacrifice short-term pleasures and put up with short-term discomfort in order to achieve longer-term gains. Call a truce with that family member or friend with whom you've been having a conflict. You'll be amazed at how much more enjoyable and how much less stressful your holiday gatherings will be!

6. Accept the fallibility of others and yourself!  You will make mistakes, you'll do things that are absolutely silly, maybe even make a fool of yourself! But instead of saying then "I'm awful", "I'm terrible" or "I'm worthless", say instead "I make mistakes, but I'm still pretty darn ok." And make a point to apply that same rational thinking when others behave in ways you don't like!

7. Don't take things personally this holiday season!  It's possible that the person who is grumpy at the holiday gathering you're hosting has actually had some really stressful times lately! (Or could be suffering from SAD! But they also just might be a jerk! And if that's the case, why would you expect their behavior to be any different!?! Just remember that their words and behavior do not determine your being!)

8.  Take a chance and try something this holiday season that you've always wanted to try, even though you might fail. 

9. Remember that what people think about you doesn't really matter so much as you might think!

10. Give yourself the gift of a lower stress holiday season!  One where you will appreciate your own value this year. I certainly value you!

     If you have any questions about dealing with holiday stress and challenges, feel free to post the question and I'll respond!

     

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Me, Myself, & Me!

     So we're having dinner several nights ago, and I hear Colin (my astonishing 7-year-old) say, "I can't talk about that. That would be bragging."  When I ask what he's referring to, he reveals that he is referring to how well he did on a challenging assignment at school. Now I don't mean to imply that my kids are better than-or more talented than-the average kid.  I mean, instead, to claim it blatantly! The kid is BRILLIANT! Ok, that being said, we had gone to his parent-teacher conference and his teacher had shared a story with us about how well he did on this assignment that was designed to "test their limits" and apparently Colin spanked that assignment and made it his b?+€#!  When we got home we told Justin (our equally stupendous 13-year-old) what the teacher had told us about his little brother.  It was this that Justin was asking Colin about during dinner.  When Colin said that he couldn't talk about it because "that would be bragging" I, being the conscientious dad that I am...told him that it's not bragging to simply acknowledge success that came about as a result of hard work. (I thought that was pretty good!) but Colin informed me, in no uncertain terms, that to say good things about yourself is bragging and that's really bad and no one will like you! Are you f-ing kidding me!?!  This is where it begins! Oh...it's ON now!

     Time for Thinking Error #6: Self is Bad!  You believe that you can function well in the world while ignoring the value and importance of your SELF!  Why do we expend so much time and energy making sure that we prove we are more self-effacing than everyone else!?! We even go so far as to say that if we do good things because we feel good when we do them, then we are bad! What the heck!?! I am so confused! Are we to believe that a good dead is only good if it is "selfless", as in a "selfless act of kindness"? I respond with a resounding NO! If these acts of kindness are selfless, who is committing the act? When I commit an act of kindness, I commit it!  I do.  Me. Myself!  And when you do something kind, you do it! To devalue the self is preclude acting in any kind or generous fashion because without the self, the is no one to commit the act! The self comes before the act! 

  Ok readers, ask yourself this question. Have you ever heard someone say that they would make a contribution to some good cause, but only if they can make the contribution anonymously? Now I understand if it is some well known company, corporation, or other institution making the contribution and they do it anonymously. But this is not an individual self.  Besides, people might ascribe all sorts of ulterior motives to the contribution. I can also understand if it is some celebrity or pro athlete with fat pockets. However, in a very real sense, a celebrity is, for all intents and purposes, not just an individual self, but a Brand, much like ,, and! (Can you tell that I have children?) But for and individual, why would it be so important that the contribution be anonymous? Ask someone and they'll tell you something to the effect of, "I don't want it to be about me." And when they say that, ask them, "Who doesn't want it to be about you?" And they'll say (with a confused look in their eyes) "I don't!" Then say, "But it is about you, and that's not only fine, but it's GREAT!" And they'll say, "No! It's not about me!! (Now with a slightly annoyed look, with a slight tinge of fear...). Then you ask them, "So why contribute then?" And they'll say, "Because I see the great need there is and I have the resources to help out. I would feel awful knowing that there is such a need that I could help with and I did nothing about it! My heart just aches at the thought of it!" And at the end of all of this just say, "Who's heart?" And they'll say, "MINE!!!" You could then go on to point out that they made at least 6 perfectly laudable "I" statements during that explanation and follow up with, "See? I told you it was about you!" (And you'll also get the added entertainment value of watching the head of an otherwise perfectly sane individual spontaneously explode) 

     So look, I am convinced that one of the reasons that we have such a hard time taking care of ourselves is because we have been socialized to believe that to care about ourselves is "selfish" and selfishness is the worst kind of bad! While, selfishness may be problematic at times, (and I'm not convinced that it is when it doesn't lead to lack of consideration for others) care for and about the self is necessary for healthy living and giving! I think it's time we coined a new term, Selfulness! Let's define it simply as "recognition of the importance and value of the self in our inner experience and outward behavior."  Yeah, I think I like it! Think of how much more good could be done in the world if we could say, "I do good things because I feel good when I do them!" Without people saying that you're selfish or full of yourself!  Instead, let's say, "Damn, man! That's seriously selful of you!"

    I'd love to talk with you guys more about this, so ask me your questions in the comments section and I'll respond!  Who will? I WILL