Great Expectations...Schmexpectations!

Thinking Error #5: Blind Expectations! This thinking error occurs when we have experienced something over and over again, even to the point where we are almost certain it will happen again, yet we expect it to be different every time! Then we are either devastated or pissed off when it doesn't happen the way we expect it to!  We say things like, "I can't believe she did it again! I knew she was gonna do it! I'm so pissed that she did it!" 

Man oh Man! If I had a nickel for every time I here someone falling prey to this one! Not sure what I'm referring to?  Ok, let me clear this up for you guys.  Your friend (let's call her Snooky, just for kicks) comes home from a date and she's distraught! Being the good friend that you undoubtedly are, you offer support. You ask what happened and Snooky tells you that her date treated her badly, making fun of her the whole time and being patronizing. He even went so far as to disparage her bump-do!!  You think to yourself, "Wait, isn't that the way he always treats you?" However, because you're "supportive" you keep it to yourself and instead say, "Oh, I'm so sorry he was such a jerk to you!" Unfortunately, what's really happening here is that Snooky knew exactly how he was likely to behave, yet, she "blindly expected" him to behave differently! And when he didn't, that meant her expectations were not met, so she became distraught.  So, being a really good friend, instead of saying you were sorry that he was such a jerk, you might have done better to say something like, um...I don't know...like, "Wait, isn't that the way he always treats you!?!" This happens far too often! We know that someone behaves badly, yet every time it happens, we respond with the same upset! 

     Why does this happen? You guessed it! It's because we are saying crappy stuff to ourselves about the situation! You might remember that our goal is to avoid saying stuff to ourselves that is unhelpful, distorted, or irrational. We say things to ourselves like, "He'd better be good to me this time!" Or "That coworker of mine never does her work! She had better get her job done today!" Or "My brother is always calling to ask for money! And I get pissed every time!"  

     Are we seeing a pattern here? Now you might be pempted to say, "Yeah, I see a pattern! People are a$$#@|£$!" But no, again, you'd be looking in the wrong place for the person to blame for your upset.  For that, you'd have to look to your own self-talk! As I pointed out in a previous post, expectations are nothing less than implicit demands! And when our demands are not met...look out!  

     My question to you is, why do we expect people to act differently in these situations? And when they fail (unsurprisingly) to act the way we expect, why do we get so upset? We could easily apply our ABC model of rational self management here:

A (activating event) -- Brother calls on the phone, immediately asks for money.

B (belief; unhelpful, distorted, irrational) -- People should act the way I expect them to act! And if they don't, that's awful! TERRIBLE!

C (consequence/emotional) -- Depression, frustration, and/or Anger/aggression 

C (consequence/behavioral) -- Withdraw from the world/stay in bed (and probably send him money anyway). Or, yell at your brother and call him names you know you'd have gotten in trouble for when you were a kid (and still probably send him money anyway)

Now that we see where the thinking error is, we can fix it! This is where the ABC Model becomes the ABCDE Model!  The "D" stands for Disputes. It is here that we identify the irrational beliefs (B) that were activated (A) by this situation, and we dispute them! Finally, we come up with "E"' which stands for effective rational beliefs.  We then replace our irrational beliefs (B) with these more rational ones!  So,

D (disputes) -- Who says people should act the way you expect them to? Is it really awful (like a tsunami wiping out and entire city awful) when people don't act the way I expect them to?

E (effective rational beliefs) -- I would like it if people acted the way I expect them to, but I can handle it when they don't. Sometimes people behave in crappy ways!  And when they do, it's not the end of the world!

Ok, I'm almost certain you guys'll have some challenges/questions for this one! Let 'em fly! 

As always: ***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! 

Feed Me Seymour!!

Yep, that beastly plant from Little Shop of Horrors that we all love to fear has been on my mind much this weekend! 

I think I mentioned to you guys in a previous post that I really do live my life according to the things that I've been talking about in this blog so far. And for the most part, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. In fact things go pretty well for me emotionally. Pretty well-rounded guy over all. But… Not always!  And this weekend happens to be one of those weekends where the irrational thoughts and the negative self statements just grew and grew and GREW!  They started out harmlessly enough, cute and cuddly little self statements like, "Hm. I really want to get these daybeds completed for my boys this weekend." That's harmless enough right? Sorta like little Audrey II,  at the beginning...

Isn't she just such a little cutie!?!  But you can imagine what those self statements turned into by the time this was the daybed condition by the end of the weekend…

Well despite how cute and cuddly that first self statement was about getting these monsters completed, it soon morphed into beastly self statements such as, "Darn it! I've got to get these things done!" (and of course I got the icky facial expression to go with it as I'm saying it to myself!).  Add to my building woes, the fact that I am a fairly staunch Cardinals fan! MAnd, as I'm sure many of you are aware, my beloved Cardinals are once again in the World Series! 

http://www.mlb.com/r/video?content_id=31188913&topic_id=63106348

And from there, it degenerated into a litany of negative self statements and irrational thoughts!

"Crap! I didn't finish those blankety-blank beds! That sucks!"

"Crap! I'm going to be so busy this week, there is no way I'm going to ever get these things finished! That sucks!"

"Crap! Why did Wong run!?! That was wrong of Wong! That sucks!"

"Crap! The Cardinals really needed to win game 4! But they lost! That sucks!"

You get the picture.  My sweet little mostly harmless, cute, and cuddly self statements at the beginning of the weekend had turned into this monstrous and unwieldy negative self-talk that was definitely frustration-inducing! Little Audrey II had become BIG Audrey II and she wated blood...

But fear not everyone, I did get to a point where I realized what I was doing to myself. Of course I didn't realize it until I'd given myself a massive headache from frowning so much!  And when I realized it, I stopped saying all those irrational things to myself and replaced them with things that were more rational and true, such as

"I didn't get those two daybeds finished this weekend but I actually enjoy working on them and it is a pretty huge project!"

"It's going to be a busy week, but there's always next weekend! And it's not like the boys are sleeping on the floor right now!  Well..."

"Wong ran. Get over it."

"Yes, the Cardinals lost game 4. But the fact of the matter is, that just means the series is tied 2-2! And that's pretty exciting!"

I replaced all those negative self-statements and irrational thoughts with ones that were more rational and, most importantly, true! It's incredibly important that we use only true statements when we are replacing our irrational thoughts. Because if we don't replace them with statements that are true, we set ourselves up for more upset in the future! For example, I could've said "I'm going to finish those daybeds tomorrow"! Which I know is not true and I would have been all the more upset when I didn't finish them tomorrow!

So that's enough for now.  That brings us to our 4th thinking error: Very Negative. You notice only half-empty glasses and ignore all the positive features in your life.  You make unrealistically gloomy predictions about the future as well. You use words like "empty, doomed, and hopeless."

Okay, that being said… Good night to you!

Remember: ***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉

Broad Irrational Thoughts in Line At Lowes

So I'm at Lowes purchasing lumber and hardware for another "Oh God, Saz is out in his garage workshop again" project, when I have quite the interesting encounter.  I had recently built a patio table (check it out!)  

And I was there at Lowes to buy the materials to build the matching bench. By the way, just thinking about all that lumber at Lowes makes a brotha's hands tingle! (Ok, may as we'll show you that, too!)

I know that you're thinking, "Wow! That man is an incredible craftsman!" But I can't take all the credit. I do use a LOT of plans from Ana White's blog, www.ana-white.com! That woman ROCKS!  But I digress. (Those of you who know me and have heard me lecture will find digression no great surprise!)

So I'm wheeling my lumber cart through the store, because after I had gotten all of my lumber on the cart, I remembered that I needed to grab some pocket hole screws (poket holes are awesome, and that's why you can't see any screws in the table top! Even though there are 118 2-inch screws in there! Ok, I gotta show you:

See! No visible screw holes! But again, I digress.)  These screws are located, not at the lumber end of this magnificently huge store, but all the way at the other end, in hardware.  This is where people buy all those "little items" that actually fit in a regular cart. But since I had wheeled my honkin' lumber cart all the way down there, I thought I'd go on and check out down there too. In order to avoid blocking the entire aisle with lumber, I stood a bit back from the person in line before me.  This left a bit of space, into which another customer (accompanied by her sweet, aged mother I might add) promptly stepped! As I was thinking to my self, "Hm.  Did she not notice me and my magnificent lumber?" The woman did turn around and notice me. She was very apologetic and told me that she was so, so sorry! And that she and her mom would gladly get behind me.  She went on, before I could even respond, to smack her open palm against her forehead several times while chanting "stupid, stupid, stupid!", Chris Farley style!

I calmly told her, "Please, go ahead. You have so few things anyway" and I smiled. She told me, "No! I feel so awful! That's like most inconsiderate thing I've ever done! I'm so stupid!" I said, "Really, it's not a problem at all! I enjoy my time in Lowes and will savor these extra few moments!" She replied by telling me that I'm the nicest guy ever! She also said, "You're like the sweetest guy! If someone would have jumped in from of me in line like that I would have lost it! Even though my mom is with me and she would have been all embarrassed! I'm always doing stupid things like that!" I told that it really was ok, and that it takes a lot more than someone stepping in front of me in line for me to get all upset.  Then she told me again that I was the nicest guy ever and that she wishes she could just let things roll off her back like that!  And because it was too perfect an opportunity, I said to her, "Are you sure I'm the nicest guy ever? I mean, because for the most part, I'm pretty much the incarnation of evil. Don't let this one act of kindness fool you into thinking it's actually representative of me as a whole!"--and I said all of this with a smile! She then proceeded to laugh and tell me, "God! You're also, like, the funniest guy! Maybe if I handled things like you do I wouldn't be having such a hard time all the time!"

So you'd think that I have to make these things up to make the point I've been trying to make in these blogs, but no! I see people talking to themselves in these distorted and unhelpful ways far too frequently!  Which brings me, finally, to our next error in thinking: Very Broad

In this very broad thinking error, you generalize beyond the specific facts of a situation and use words such as, "always, never, everybody, nobody, anything, and nothing."  Or you label yourself or someone else in a very broadly negative (or positive) way that goes far beyond the poor (or good) behavior that you were originally thinking about. You end up labeling people (or yourself) as "bad, stupid, ugly, lazy, incompetent, inadequate, worthless."  When we do this to each other, we are failing to recognize the richness and variety in each others' characters and abilities. And when we do it to ourselves, we actually deny ourselves that same richness and variety. And given my belief that one of the many wonderful things about human beings is our rich and sophisticated nature, I find doing this to ourselves particularly sad. Because you are so much more! And you have so much more value!

Remember: ***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉

For All Those Who Long for Peace of Mind and to Know Their Own Power.

     Who is this week's post for? For all those who see themselves as a total failure if their performance falls short of perfection. For all those who dare to chance a look at their lives, and when they do, they see gloom and hopelessness. For those who are convinced the the tasks ahead of them are more than they can stand, greater than they can handle. It is for those who find themselves feeling empty and forlorn without the approval of others.  For those who feel broken because their mind won't stop racing as they lie awake in bed longing for the escape that is only found in sleep. For those who often find themselves angry or frustrated because they insist that things must be the way they want them to be! They use words like "should, must, ought to, and has to be!" It is for those who breathlessly wait for someone, anyone, to tell them that they are good enough! That they are worthy. That they have value. That they are loved. It is for those who instead hear that they are worthless. That they have no value. That they would be loved "only if..."  For those who constantly put out feelers designed to detect the least little hint of what they expect to find, and what they expect to find is disapproval, judgement, failure, and loss. For all those who long to be free of the yoke of others' perception. For those who look out at this world and all it's inhabitants and find nothing but fault, because that is what they see when they gaze into a mirror.  It is for those who cannot experience the sense of security and oneness that comes with trust for fear that the world will punish them for their openness. This week's post is for those who close their eyes to the perceived darkness they believe is in the world around them, only to look within and see pain. And this post is for all those who work every day to trust, to love, to share, to be open, and to experience joy, only to "have it ripped from them" by the callousness or uncouth betrayal of another.  This week's post is for all of us. 

Last week I told you guys that I would help us start to talk to ourselves differently and thus change the way we experience our world. Here's a bit of that promise from last week:

     

      "I've mentioned in previous posts that changing the way that we think (our self-talk) can have a  profound impact on our lives. Whether it's anger-producing irrational beliefs, negative thoughts that lower frustration tolerance, anxiety-producing irrational beliefs, confidence crushing negative self-statements, thinking errors that interfere with relationships, irrational beliefs associated with high work stress, or distorted thinking about our socializing, learning to recognize when our thinking is contributing to our life challenges can change our entire experience! So, next week, I'm going to share with you some wisdom left behind by the inimitable Dr. Albert Ellis about learning to recognize thinking that is unhelpful, distorted or irrational. Then, we will go about tackling those problematic thoughts and replacing them with ones that are anxiety-reducing, confidence-building, and productively self-affirming!"

So, let's start out by identifying how we usually respond to anything that happens to us. Things that happen in our lives, things we respond to, are going to be called "activating events" (A) because these things "activate" our beliefs, values, and perspectives. An activating event might be meeting someone new, breaking up with a significant other, starting a new job, having an argument with a sibling, going out on a date or being cut off in traffic by another driver. Anything in our lives can be an activating event. When these events occur we talk to ourselves in ways that are consistent with our "beliefs" (B).  If we like the event we say to ourselves, "Hey! I like that event! That event ROCKS!" And then we experience the emotional "consequence" (C) of happiness and/or pleasure. We also experience a behavioral consequence. This is what we do as a result of experiencing the activating event. We liked it and said really good things to ourselves about it so we do things to ensure that this event happens again!  Now if we experience an activating event that we do not like, we say to ourselves, "Crap! I hate that event! That event SUCKS! And we experience the emotional consequence of anger, frustration, or depression. And the behavioral consequence of withdrawal, isolation, aggression, etc. 

Alrighty then.  Here it is in a nutshell: We experience something, it activates our beliefs and we "talk to ourselves" about the event. If we liked the event, we say really great stuff to ourselves.  However, if we didn't like the event, we say really crappy stuff to ourselves. As a result, we experience emotional consequences that can be good, bad, or neutral. (Happiness, anger, indifference). Finally, we experience a behavioral consequence that is consistent with how we talked to ourselves about the activating event! 

EXAMPLE: 

A-- Significant other breaks up with you

B-- "I suck! I'm really worthless and no one will ever love me!" or "How dare (s)he break up with me!      What a f#€¥!^£ b!#€#!!

C-- (emotional) Depression or Anger/aggression 

C-- (behavioral) Withdraw from the world/stay in bed. or Send inappropriate emails to your ex's boss from your ex's email account!

So there is an example of how we talk ourselves into our emotional and behavioral responses! I want you all to feel free to ask me questions about this understanding of our emotional and behavioral responses. Really, the only way that to can get your questions answered is to ask them!  So I want you to ask your questions!  Now, before I sign off for the night, I'm going to give you one example of thinking that is unhelpful, distorted, or irrational. Thanks and props go out to the Ellis Institute for these! Each week I'll talk about at least one of these irrational ways of thinking and how they effect us! Remember to tell me in the comments section if any if these sound like you!

Thinking that is VERY CATASTROPHIC -- You greatly exaggerate bad events until, in your thinking, they are full blown catastrophes! You use words like "awful, horrible, terrible, tragic, and end of the world!"

Remember: ***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉

Cul-de-sacs, Fire-pits, and Libations.

     This weekend my wife and I decided that, instead of going on our weekly date on saturday night, we would switch it to sunday evening so that we could join our neighbors "at the end of the cul-de-sac" on saturday for a bit of fun, neighborly interaction, and...libations.  These gatherings occur often on our street and never cease to entertain!  It may come as no surprise that the subject of the Saz Says blog came up. Unfortunately, or perhaps as a matter of course, this happened at a point in the evening when the gathering of neighbors at the end of the cul-de-sac had progressed to "party at the end of the block" status, due to the free-flowing libations! Someone mentioned that she had read my blog and thought it was "very interesting." Upon hearing this, another neighbor asked what the blog is about. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

Saz: "So far, it's about how people are so convinced that other people and events upset them when, in fact, they make themselves feel upset in the way they respond to those people and events! 

(I was pretty proud of myself for articulating that so clearly despite being mostly distracted by some really cool flashy-things that the fire pit was doing as we talked--told you...the libations were free-flowing)  Then, as I basked in the combined glows of my ability to articulate the nature of my blog so concisely and the very interesting fire pit, I hear my neighbor say, 

Neighbor: "Well that's a load of bulls#!+."

Note that I did not use an exclamation point, because he didn't say it with any particular emphasis, on the contrary, he said it very matter-of-factly.  You know, like "The hotdogs are done." Or "The fire pit is lit." (Which, by the way, is how I'd have described most of us by that point...) I was a little taken aback by this. Not because he believed it, I know that belief is all too prevalent, but because of the nonchalance with which he stated it! So I replied, 

Saz: "No. Really. You have more power over your emotional experience than you give yourself credit for." 

Neighbor: "Yeah, if we all lived in your "perfect little world" (Here he actually did air-quotes) maybe that s#!+ would be true.  But we all have to live in "reality"! (You guessed it, more air-quotes)

Saz: "Oh. So your reality (I left out the air-quotes) is that everything outside of yourself has more control over your emotional experience than you do?"

Neighbor: "Yeah! I don't piss myself off!"

Saz: "What pisses you off?"

Neighbor: "A lot of s#!+!"

Saz: "Your boss?"

Neighbor: "Yes!"

Saz: "Your kids?"

Neighbor: "Yes!"

Saz: "The guy who cuts you off on the highway?"

Neighbor: "Oh yes!"

Saz: "And every one of them has more control over your emotional reactions than you do?"

Neighbor: "Yes! No. Wait.  If I punched you in the face you'd get pissed off!"

Saz: "Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure that I wouldn't get scared? Or confused? Or afraid?"

Neighbor: "Yes!"

Saz: "How do you know?" (Of course I know what's coming next)

Neighbor: "Because it would piss me off!"

Saz: "How's about we grab another drink and we'll talk about this some more?"

Neighbor: "Yes!"

My neighbor, like most of us, is absolutely convinced that everything outside of himself has all this power over his emotions. Almost like the idea that he can change the way he responds to events in his world is a threatening idea! Even more threatening than all the emotional upset and psychological distress that he endures as a result of his misguided belief that others control his emotions!  Imagine if I asked you if you believed that other people can control your thoughts. You'd reply with a resounding NO!  And you'd be thinking to yourself that a person would have to be crazy to think that other people can control your thoughts.  But if I asked you if other people can control your emotions, how would you reply?

I've mentioned in previous posts that changing the way that we think (our self-talk) can have a profound impact on our lives. Whether it's anger-producing irrational beliefs, negative thoughts that lower frustration tolerance, anxiety-producing irrational beliefs, confidence crushing negative self-statements, thinking errors that interfere with relationships, irrational beliefs associated with high work stress, or distorted thinking about our socializing, learning to recognize when our thinking is contributing to our life challenges can change our entire experience!

So, next week, I'm going to share with you some wisdom left behind by the inimitable Dr. Albert Ellis about learning to recognize thinking that is unhelpful, distorted or irrational. Then, we will go about tackling those problematic thoughts and replacing them with ones that are anxiety-reducing, confidence-building, and productively self-affirming! 

***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉

Peace, 

Dr. Saz