The Passing of an Icon and The Challenge to Love--Mr. Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela

“What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.” — Nelson Mandela

This week we witnessed the passing of an incredible icon. Mr. Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela based his entire life on the principle of dialogue and the art of listening and speaking to others.  And he was convinced that if we all did this, we could have a profound impact on the world. He encouraged people to enter into dialogue – often about difficult subjects – in order to address the challenges we face today.  I've been moved by the sentiments shared by so many at his passing. I'm struck by the fact that, as I look back on his life, his many trials and tribulations, I feel challenged to act. To do something designed to make this great world better.  Former Secretary of State, Gen. Colin Powell, talked about what it would be like if our politicians attempted to carry out there duties with the level of love and compassion that Mr. Mandela eventually showed. I loved this quote from BBC News:

Mr Powell said that Mr Mandela was a guide to him when he became the first black US secretary of state:

What I liked telling people was I was the first secretary of state who happened to be black, and I put that descriptor behind the title. We have to get beyond these labels depending upon your gender or your colour or your background. I'm proud of being black, and I'm proud of being an immigrant of British subjects, but at the same time I want to be seen as an American. And I think Nelson Mandela was able to create that kind of an image within South Africa. We are not black South Africans or white South Africans, we are South Africans who happen to be black or white. We are one family, one nation, one people.

I really think that says it all!

I'll finish this post by sharing with you the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by India Arie:

Yeah Yeah!

Yeah Yeah!

[Verse 1:]

I wish there was a video game

to teach you your ancestors name

I wish there was a phone number

like 1-800-Save-Your-Brother

I'm thankful for the radio station

Not afraid to put the truth in rotation

there is certain information

That you can only get in conversation when...

[Chorus:]

Young People, who talk to

Old People, it would make us

Better People, all around...

(Yes it would)

And if Old People would talk to

Young People, it would make us

Better People, all around....

(Yes it would)

[Verse 2:]

We went from radio to TV

Now we're going from LP to CD

Don't be afraid To try something new

I can help you with the brand new technology

Help me with the age old philosophy

Together there's so much we can do when

[Chorus:]

Young People, who talk to

Old People, it would make us

Better People, all around...

And if Old People would talk to

Young People, it would make us

Better People, all around....

They say that every

Generation gets worse

They call it a generational curse

These problems don't just drop out the sky (yeah)

Listen to Mahatma Ghandi's words

Be the change you want to see in the world

Start with yourself and healing will multiply

AAAAAAH, that's what happens When..

[Chorus:]

Young People, who talk to

Old People, it would make us

Better People, all around...

If Old People would talk to

Young People, it would.....

Better People, all around....

If black people

Would talk to white people

It would make us

Better People

All Around....

If Republican people would

Talk to Democratic people

It would make us diplomatic people

[laugh] All Around.....

Writer: SIMPSON, INDIA ARIE/SANDERS, SHANNON B., SR./RAMSEY, MAXWELL ANDREW/MACEK, FRANK/ENGLISH, JIMMY
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, WINDSWEPT HOLDINGS LLC

Fun With Relationships! A Rational Guide to Screwin' 'Em Up!

Hey, All!

     I was having a conversation with a friend of mine a couple of days ago and he was lamenting the challenges he's having in his current relationship. And by now, you guys know me. I'm sensitive. I'm supportive. I'm compassionate.  And I'm totally impatient with the idea that other people are responsible for making us feel we feel! Now I know that relationships can be incredibly hard. And I recognize and appreciate that the desire to have a partner with whom to share our lives is very human. In fact, I believe that it makes us better people overall! When done correctly, and it's working well, it drives us toward our capacity to be our best selves! And that's great for the whole world! Of course, the vast majority of us have also had relationship challenges. And there are effective ways of managing ourselves during these challenging times and less effective ways…

     Okay back to the friend I was telling you about. He actually said to me, "Dude I seriously hope that I can get back together with her! She is awesome! I mean, you know… I'm not all that great. Whenever I'm around her, she makes me feel like I'm not that smart or not very interesting. I mean I look okay, but...she's AWESOME!"  In an attempt to be supportive all I said was, "So you don't feel really good about yourself when you're around her?" And my friend replies, "Oh no! You can't apply your "rational" (air quotes here) stuff here! This is emotion stuff man! And we men have emotions too! I think I've gotta be more emotional with her. (Oh yeah, I think to myself, I'm sure that's exactly what she needs!). And then before I can even defend my "rational stuff", my friend says to me, "okay fine! Go on and do your "rational thing"! (More air quotes) Tell me how that would even fit in this real life situation. I was like, cool. Then I told him about some Emotional Blocks to Relationships.  I talked to him about some possible ways that he might be making himself upset or angry.

{EXAMPLE #1}

Thoughts (Internal self-statements):

I'm not very (smart) (interesting) (attractive)… Why would anyone be interested in me?

FEELINGS (which we experience as a result of the self statements)

putting ourselves down, depression

BEHAVIORS (how we act then)

Acting shy, avoiding contact, not initiating conversations, etc.

ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS

While I'm not perfect, I am certainly not worthless! And while I make mistakes, I recognize that I'm human and I am likely to make mistakes. But I can still value myself and desire to be valued by the person I'm in a relationship with!

{EXAMPLE #2}

Thoughts 

I need the approval of this significant person in my life or I'm no good at all!

FEELINGS 

putting ourselves down, depression

BEHAVIORS 

Acting dependent on the person for happiness, well-being, direction, etc.

ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS

Just because another person doesn't like something about me, or doesn't value something in me, does not mean that I am worthless!

And for the 3rd example I tackled his anxiety-producing self-statements!

{EXAMPLE #3}

Thoughts 

I just couldn't stand being rejected or thought badly of! Especially by that special person. Or "I couldn't stand being feeling uncomfortable"

FEELINGS 

Anxiety

BEHAVIORS

Being nonassertive or self-conscious. Withdrawal; failure to take risks, to become intimate with others.

ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS

I don't like being rejected, but I can handle it. It's not awful and it's not horrible! It's only uncomfortable, and it won't kill me!

Not don't get me wrong. It's possible that he really could be in a bad relationship. If you really do find yourself feeling like crap all the time when you're around your partner, maybe this relationship really is eating away at you…

If that's the case, it's time to get out!

Of course I could go on, but you guys get the picture  So go out there and do your relationships up right! Remember that the way that we talk to ourselves can not only impact our own experiences, but also impacts our relationships! So...

I almost said "Good luck", but a really bright friend of mine (thanks, Marie!) pointed out something really interesting to me the other day. She said that luck isn't something that you have any control over at all and thus, you can't take any responsibility for what happens. Instead she prefers "Good success!" That encourages us to go out and do something and do it well. I like that!

Peace,

Dr. Saz

***** If you have questions, comments, or challenges please feel free, no, feel encouraged, to post in the comments section below! Oh, I accept positive feedback, too! I'm just kind like that. 😉