Me, Myself, & Me!

     So we're having dinner several nights ago, and I hear Colin (my astonishing 7-year-old) say, "I can't talk about that. That would be bragging."  When I ask what he's referring to, he reveals that he is referring to how well he did on a challenging assignment at school. Now I don't mean to imply that my kids are better than-or more talented than-the average kid.  I mean, instead, to claim it blatantly! The kid is BRILLIANT! Ok, that being said, we had gone to his parent-teacher conference and his teacher had shared a story with us about how well he did on this assignment that was designed to "test their limits" and apparently Colin spanked that assignment and made it his b?+€#!  When we got home we told Justin (our equally stupendous 13-year-old) what the teacher had told us about his little brother.  It was this that Justin was asking Colin about during dinner.  When Colin said that he couldn't talk about it because "that would be bragging" I, being the conscientious dad that I am...told him that it's not bragging to simply acknowledge success that came about as a result of hard work. (I thought that was pretty good!) but Colin informed me, in no uncertain terms, that to say good things about yourself is bragging and that's really bad and no one will like you! Are you f-ing kidding me!?!  This is where it begins! Oh...it's ON now!

     Time for Thinking Error #6: Self is Bad!  You believe that you can function well in the world while ignoring the value and importance of your SELF!  Why do we expend so much time and energy making sure that we prove we are more self-effacing than everyone else!?! We even go so far as to say that if we do good things because we feel good when we do them, then we are bad! What the heck!?! I am so confused! Are we to believe that a good dead is only good if it is "selfless", as in a "selfless act of kindness"? I respond with a resounding NO! If these acts of kindness are selfless, who is committing the act? When I commit an act of kindness, I commit it!  I do.  Me. Myself!  And when you do something kind, you do it! To devalue the self is preclude acting in any kind or generous fashion because without the self, the is no one to commit the act! The self comes before the act! 

  Ok readers, ask yourself this question. Have you ever heard someone say that they would make a contribution to some good cause, but only if they can make the contribution anonymously? Now I understand if it is some well known company, corporation, or other institution making the contribution and they do it anonymously. But this is not an individual self.  Besides, people might ascribe all sorts of ulterior motives to the contribution. I can also understand if it is some celebrity or pro athlete with fat pockets. However, in a very real sense, a celebrity is, for all intents and purposes, not just an individual self, but a Brand, much like , ,, and! (Can you tell that I have children?) But for and individual, why would it be so important that the contribution be anonymous? Ask someone and they'll tell you something to the effect of, "I don't want it to be about me." And when they say that, ask them, "Who doesn't want it to be about you?" And they'll say (with a confused look in their eyes) "I don't!" Then say, "But it is about you, and that's not only fine, but it's GREAT!" And they'll say, "No! It's not about me!! (Now with a slightly annoyed look, with a slight tinge of fear...). Then you ask them, "So why contribute then?" And they'll say, "Because I see the great need there is and I have the resources to help out. I would feel awful knowing that there is such a need that I could help with and I did nothing about it! My heart just aches at the thought of it!" And at the end of all of this just say, "Who's heart?" And they'll say, "MINE!!!" You could then go on to point out that they made at least 6 perfectly laudable "I" statements during that explanation and follow up with, "See? I told you it was about you!" (And you'll also get the added entertainment value of watching the head of an otherwise perfectly sane individual spontaneously explode) 

     So look, I am convinced that one of the reasons that we have such a hard time taking care of ourselves is because we have been socialized to believe that to care about ourselves is "selfish" and selfishness is the worst kind of bad! While, selfishness may be problematic at times, (and I'm not convinced that it is when it doesn't lead to lack of consideration for others) care for and about the self is necessary for healthy living and giving! I think it's time we coined a new term, Selfulness! Let's define it simply as "recognition of the importance and value of the self in our inner experience and outward behavior."  Yeah, I think I like it! Think of how much more good could be done in the world if we could say, "I do good things because I feel good when I do them!" Without people saying that you're selfish or full of yourself!  Instead, let's say, "Damn, man! That's seriously selful of you!"

    I'd love to talk with you guys more about this, so ask me your questions in the comments section and I'll respond!  Who will? I WILL!